So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
