I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
