i love accidental penises.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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