i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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