all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
