Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
