he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Randomize
