hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
