Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
