I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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