if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
