i dedicated my morning wood to you.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
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