I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
