What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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