Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize