I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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