I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
