At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
