dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
