Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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