We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
