im six kinds of drunk right now
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
