There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
