as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
