You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
