so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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