Welp...herpes.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
