I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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