Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
