Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i will never coherently bang her
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
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