Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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