dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
