My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
