Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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