the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
