Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
