If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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