No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Is Oprah even human
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize