Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
