I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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