Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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