it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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