You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
