the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
