just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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