I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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