Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
