True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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