Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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