matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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