Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
