i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
