When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
