Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
