i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
