vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
