You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
