she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
