And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
