omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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