I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
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